where will you go
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3 NIV
Perfect peace. Who doesn’t read that and think, “yes, sign me up!!” We live in a world that feels like peace has ‘peaced out’. Our calendars are so full, we practically have to schedule time in the bathroom. And our conversations carry with them, an underlying fear that we may say something politically incorrect and others will view us as some kind of hater. Peace alone feels impossible, let alone perfect peace. At this point we’d almost settle with some sort of nearly perfect peace, right??
But that’s not what our great uncle Isaiah said was possible in this passage. He was one of God’s very own chosen mouthpieces to make known what God was thinking. Hand picked to speak for the God of the Universe, and his message declared, as children of the Most High God, that perfect peace was ours for the taking.
The question isn’t whether it’s obtainable, it’s HOW do we access it? According to this verse it has something to do with the position of our minds, not only the condition. Where they are placed, not what they are like.
Steadfast.
As I read this verse and I can’t help but think back to when most of my life felt like my mind was more out of control than steadfast, and often left me feeling downright crazy at times. When opening my eyelids to another day felt like a disappointment rather than a gift. Another day to wrestle with the madness that lived inside me. Waking with the nagging sense of dread that I still had breath, rather than an answer to the hope that I would not have to face another day.
My heart aches, even writing these words for what that must feel like for those who love me to hear me say. I try to imagine myself as one of them, unsure how to take in the fact that your wife, your mom, your friend would have rather not been here than to be alive to your presence. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth of what I mean. Those thoughts had nothing to do with those around me, but rather, they were totally and completely about my own internal world. They were the result of constant shame and grief that lived in my heart and mind that had no where to go. Companions that lived in a circuitous rhythm in my heart and mind for years, having never made their way outside of my head. Wreaking havoc at every turn, those two did mass destruction in the way I perceived myself and felt as if they had torn away every last shred of hope.
Grief and shame unexpressed and unnamed become like battery acid to the soul.
At the same time that I think about all that mania in me, I also think about the sure and steady truth that lived in me as well. This is why there was a wrestle at all. Without the truth of my surest identity for the lies to bump up against, there would have been no tension at all.
I can remember reading this verse back then, and feeling the longing for perfect peace, yet having a deep sense that a steadfast mind was definitely out of the realm of possibility for me. Some peace, at times maybe, but for any extended amount of time…probably not.
And steadfastness was something that I experienced on the outside, not the inside. Steadfastness, for me, felt like consistently showing up, which was something I always did. Consistently doing my part as a wife, a mother, in my job and in my friendships.
Showing up on the outside while barely hanging on, on the inside.
But here’s the thing. If you look at the definition of the word steadfast from this verse it’s not about pulling up your bootstraps and doing the right thing. In fact, it has nothing to do with working harder. It’s a word that’s more about relationship and trust.
It’s a heart word. It signifies action, but actually expresses more about where you are. It means: to lean, lay, rest, support.
So, rather than taking all those fearful, frantic thoughts and pushing them down deep and doing the right thing, this verse is saying, the one who will find peace is the one who will carry all those feelings that feel like they might destroy you, straight to the ONE who already knows, who already did something about them, and wants to give you rest. To lay them upon Him and let Him shoulder the weight of them. And not just hold them, but look into your eyes and feel the weight of them with you.
Yes, this will require something of you. Not that you work hard, but that you make a decision about who you will trust. For me, all the crazy that lived in me, felt like a friend. I know that alone sounds insane. How could the very thoughts that made me feel like I didn’t want to exist, also feel like a friend?
Because our friends are those we let closest to us.
Here’s the strange thing about faith and trust and God. We can know in our head that God is who He says He is, that He knows all things, sees all things, and lives outside of time, but in our hearts, there is a belief that there are pieces of us that we can keep hidden from Him. It’s not true, but it feels safer. Because even though the God of the Bible is LOVE incarnate, sometimes we’re not ready for it….at least we don’t think so. It feels safer to trust no one, but trusting no one leaves you with, well, no one. And we were made for more!
The wonder of it all is that our God is patient. He’s a gentleman. The kindest kind of gentle-man. Willing to wait, but with eager hope that we’ll take even a baby step closer to believing He will shepherd our tender, broken hearts well. AND, he himself is steadfast, leaning, laying, resting on the Father, who supports Him as he waits to support us.
Until you’re ready for that though, your first step may be to tell someone with skin on. Let another human know what’s weighing your heart down, til you have enough courage to take it to Jesus. It’s part of the reason he gave us each other. And maybe, just maybe, that very person you decide to trust will be the one to usher you into his presence carrying your burdens with you.