Asking new questions of old thoughts...in beautiful places

I came home yesterday from a short visit to Sunriver Oregon. It’s absolutely beautiful there in every way! The air is crisp, the sky is blue and the aspens can’t help themselves from quaking their daily song. Everywhere you look there is the simple beauty of creation just waiting to bless you with itself. For part of my time there I stayed in a condo that had a view of an inlet of the river, which was home to a beautiful swan. Her name is Gracie and she is absolutely gorgeous to look at. Sadly her mate was killed last year, so every day she makes her way up the banks of the river to look into the window of the condos there, hoping her reflection will come to life and rejoin her. And everyday she has to turn back around and go back to the river without him. Isn’t that so sad?!! ( I hear they are planning to introduce her to a new mate soon:)But that’s not really what I wanted to share with you today.For those who’ve never been, Sunriver is a small community in central Oregon. A vacation spot for many and home for some, with shops and restaurants, a community pool with a lazy river, multiple golf courses and miles of bike trails. Something for everyone. But along with all of that there are deer who make their home there as well. So it’s not uncommon to look out your window as you’re enjoying your morning coffee and see a family of deer grazing. They’ll usually look up and notice you and then continue on with their breakfast. It’s really not a matter of them coming to your home, but you being in theirs.One of the other things that makes Sunriver unique is that you find your way around this community by way of traffic circles. The circles are markers that remind you where you are in this confusing maze of roads. One evening while we were headed to dinner, making our way around the circles to the village, right there on the edge of the road in one of the main traffic circles was a family of deer. Seven of them, some standing and others laying down right at the edge of the road where cars were making their way around the circle.It’s as if they were there for our pleasure—planted there for our enjoyment.But as much as their beauty caught my attention, I was also intrigued by their ability to be relaxed right there next to moving vehicles. Laying in the grass, under the shade of the trees they rested, watching crazy humans scurrying off to shop or grab a bite to eat. This picture grabbed me.This image of the deer resting in the midst of the hurry, just doing what they were made to do—being who they were made to be.I feel like we humans can learn something from parts of creation that are not being impacted by commercialism. By ‘much-ness and many-ness’ and the craziness that this world temps us to get caught up in. These simple creatures are hardwired to do what they were made to do, without distraction. Simply living out their identity day by day for our enjoyment. As I watched them I couldn’t help but think of how God has designed us and how we get so easily distracted. We’ve been created in His image, formed to live in the flow of what it means to be human. Invited to take in the beauty of our surroundings. To live out the rhythms of humanity with one another, with a sense of peace, joy and contentment for today, as opposed to continuing to get caught up in what’s next. Simply enjoying the pleasures of what He has provided, what He has gifted me with today. Bedding down in that and letting all the other cares of life swirl around me without letting them sink their hooks into me and drag me along for their crazy ride.It’s been 2 years since I have been in Sunriver and I what I realized that evening, as I took in this picture of the deer, is that I am more like the deer than I’ve ever been!The last time I drove around those circles, they were circuitous movements that mirrored images of life in my head. My inner world was in a constant state of motion, with questions and thoughts that haunted me.Like….“Why does it seem like everyone else has peace and I don’t?”“How can I love Jesus, serve Him and still feel so broken at times?”“Will I always feel this way?”“Am I too far out for the arm of grace to heal?”“Have I been a good enough mom?”“Am I being a good enough wife and friend?”“Will I eventually end up alone?”“I’ve got to be sure that I’m who others need me to be in order to be loved.”My thoughts twirled round and round the anxieties that had lived in me for a very long time, gaining momentum at every turn. The image that David speaks of in Psalm 23 of laying down in green pastures and still waters felt like it was made for everyone other than me. My private world felt more like crashing waves than still water. Currents that threatened to take me under at any moment.But that evening I realized that now, just 2 years later, I’m living more closely to what it means to be human. And it’s not as if I never feel anxiety or have thoughts and questions that threaten to take me around in circles, the difference is, there’s more of me. The work that I’ve done in my soul has created space for me to take a step back from those kind of thoughts, look them over and ask new questions of the old thoughts and questions.Like….“Is that true or is it just how I’m feeling right now?”“Is it ok for me to feel the brokenness of being human AND be a daughter of the King?”“Is there really a line of ‘good enough’ that I should be hitting or is that a ploy to take me to the old place of despair?”“What would it look like for me to take these thoughts to Jesus and let Him speak life over them?—How can I pack these up and take them to the cross?”“Would it be helpful to let someone safe into the conversation in my head?”“Are there extenuating circumstances feeding these questions, like fatigue, sickness or burnout?”“Is there a new pathway that I am being invited into with Jesus that I can choose to take today?”All those years of going back and telling my story to another human. To one whose very job was tousher me back and help me make sense of the things that had created pain in me, have brought me to a new place. This repetitive rhythm created new pathways, just as my counselor said they would. New ways of thinking. Reshaping my brain for more. Allowing room for compassion, rather than criticism. Learning to love the ‘little girl me’, rather than wanting to destroy her. A journey of integration, inviting all the isolated parts of me into one.Wholeness.Not perfection, but all the parts of us working in harmony.This is the beauty of what it means to be human. We’re all invited into this journey with Jesus and it looks so different for each one of us. The goal is not to look like one another but to look like the One who fashioned and formed us. We, like Gracie, get to look at our reflection each day and watch the Savior be formed in us and rather than turning back alone, we walk into the places we live with our hands safely held by the One who goes with us. And when we live out our humanity, as we were designed to, we become objects of wonder, just like those beautiful deer in that magical place called Sunriver, Oregon.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6