dead ends, temper tantrums and Big HOPE

Have you ever made a decision and starting heading down the road toward it and then came to a dead end?I have.In fact, we just hit what feels like a major dead end. But maybe it’s just a road block, for now.In order to help you understand, here’s a little back story. In May of 2015 we decided to sell the house that had been home to us for 23 years. We call this the 422 house. It was the house that we brought 2 of our 4 kids home from the hospital to and raised those 4 amazing humans in for most of their lives. And although we loved our time there and had loads of memories and too many ‘firsts’ to even count, it was time to go and we knew it. So, we put it on the market and just a few short weeks later, while we were in Disneyland, we signed the paperwork that would hand it over to another family, who would make it their home.(Isn’t it weird that you can do all that on your computer while standing in line for splash mountain?)When we left there 3 out of our 4 kids were not permanently launched yet so we knew we would need to land somewhere that had space for them as they made their transitions to their own homes. That led us to the house at Christy’s Crossing. I knew Mike would love this house from the first time I saw it. It had a basement (guys love basements!) and I knew he would be thinking up how to make it his own man-cave.  When we bought it, we knew it was big and would, at some point, be too much space for us, but also knew that we could make some money on it when the time came for us to downsize.Well, over the next two years, one of our kids got married, another bought his own condo and the last one went off to college. So, here we were in an almost 3,300 square foot home….just the two of us.The house that seemed to work so well for that season of transitions now felt like a giant bunch of space that was swallowing us up and creating far too many hours of cleaning rooms that we didn’t even use. So, fast forward to May of 2017 and up goes this house on the market. Moving again in two years time after living under the same roof for 23 years….or so we thought.If you looked at everything on paper you would see that it was a great time to sell. Our brand new neighborhood was now completed and because we had been one of the first homes to go in, the price of the house had increased substantially. We were ready for our next adventure and the time seemed perfect…or so we thought.We listed the house and had some activity throughout the summer. Not as much as we had hoped but enough to keep us hopeful. By August we were under contract and had a great condo in mind for our next home right across the driveway from my ‘Jesus parents’. It needed quite a bit of work and hadn’t gone on the market yet so we were able to agree on a reduced price, knowing that Mike's carpentry and my decorating skills would be put to great use!  Sounds perfect, right?Unfortunately, by September, the people we were under contract with pulled out of the deal which put us back to square one. And for the next 4 months we continued to do what you do when your house is on the market…keep it ready, just in case someone might want to come and see it. Honestly, that part is not that hard for me. I tend to be a tidy type anyway, but what was hardest for me was the roller coaster of being at the mercy of what someone might do after they walk through and look at every square inch of the place you call home.Will they like it?Will they make an offer?I wonder when they’ll call and let us know?Ewww.Can I just say, that is a gross place to live. At least it was for me. Feeling like you are constantly under the scrutiny of anyone who wants to walk through your home and decide whether you are the one they will choose. Kinda reminds you of the grade school playground, standing in a line waiting to be picked for a someone’s team. No one liked that.Well, fast forward to January and the sweet people who were holding the condo for us decided it’s time for them to sell their father’s place. They don’t want to wait any longer.Ouch.I’m not gonna lie, this wasn’t a surprise to me or to Mike. Actually we were quite surprised they had waited for us for as long as they had.(If you’re reading this Craig, thanks again! We really do appreciate your patience with us.)Just days before they told us this, I should tell you that we had 3 potential buyers walk through the house in one day, 2 of them very interested and one of them even said we would hear from them the next day with an offer.Nope.{I should have warned you that this post would be a downer. It’s gonna get better, I promise:}So, here we sit, 8 months after listing our home, with a fairly large price drop, and it still won’t sell.it. makes. no. sense.But more than that……I can’t make any sense of it.And, therein lies the problem or problems. I’m gonna be really real here, this whole thing has done a big job of revealing some important things/beliefs that play out in my head.  Let me start with the most obvious. I am not the one in control of my life.We say that we trust in God, that His plans are perfect and we sing every Sunday that we want what He wants for our lives…..til it doesn’t line up with what I want.Sadly, especially in America, I feel like we can have just about whatever we want, whenever we want it. I mean we hear all of the time, even on cute little Pinterest quotes all fluffed up with flowers and what not, “Write your own story”, “Make it happen”, “Just do it!”.Well, what do you do when what you want to do, just won’t happen?At the risk of oversimplifying here I’m gonna say this, it really all depends on who you believe God to be. I know that sounds super ‘churchy’ but it’s true. Who you believe God to be, determines what you do when life doesn’t go the way you had planned.  In December, I finished Beth Moore’s latest study called “The Quest”. One of the things that stood out to me (and honestly I was thinking about some other people in my life when I heard it), was if you have enough statements about God that end in a period, then your questions can land on those, without it destroying your belief system. I love that! I know to the very core of my being that who God has declared Himself to be is true. Period. He has proven it in Scripture as well as time and time again in my life and the lives of many who are close to me.But knowing it, doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard to hold onto—-especially when your life looks like you’ve been overlooked, forgotten or ignored.And you know what, I’ve been mad. I’ve been frustrated. I’ve wondered whether there is sin in my life….sin in Mike’s life that we haven’t been honest with Him about.  But here’s the best part. I’ve said all of that to God. I’ve begged him to sell our house. I’ve pleaded with him to show me if there is sin in me/us. And I’ve told him that I’m tired, frustrated and kinda mad at him when I know he could bring a buyer at any moment.And this is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to faith. My faith is not based on God hearing what I ask for and doing what I want him to do. Honestly, that’s a gross relationship. No, mine is a love relationship, a marriage with One who is bigger than me, knows the beginning from the end, has my best interest at heart and is incapable of doing anything wrong.  He is perfect. He is my Father and I am His beloved child. I have proven my childlikeness and my childishness throughout this whole process. Sometimes throwing a temper tantrum as I yell and stomp my feet in disbelief that He wouldn’t do things my way. And other times I sit with Him, reminding myself that I am a child who doesn’t have all the answers and I want to be able to rest in knowing He’s got me.And you know what?….There’s grace for that. He loves me and he’s not disappointed in me either way.  He sees me and is inviting me to more everyday.So, as I sit here, still wishing I didn’t have to live in this big home (although it’s gorgeous and by no means torture to be here), hoping that we can downsize at some point, reducing our mortgage as well as our cleaning space….I am at peace.I sit with the confidence that I am His and He is mine. That there is more happening in the world than just my small life. He is working out plans for all of his kids and maybe, just maybe, those people who aren’t quite ready to buy a home yet, he’s saving this place for them.And, if there is sin in me, He’ll let me know. That’s the Spirit’s job right?….to convict of sin and righteousness. I rest with the confidence that just as El Roi saw Hagar under that tree and met her in her distress, so he does with me. My hope is not empty. It is a full hope because it is not in the sale of a house or a new address, it’s in the confidence that He will do what He has promised and use all things for my good, conforming me into the image of the Son.And for today, it’s enough.