stepping our way up the mountain
{This is a pic of the 4 year old me with crooked bangs and a crooked eye. Her little heart had already experienced such fear and loss and she was beginning to form all of her ways of coping, masking and avoiding pain. I just want to wrap her little self up and tell her that everything's gonna be ok. Actually, it may sound kinda strange, but I often do. I have had so many conversations with her, reminding her that she is loved, created for a purpose and that she is the daughter of the King of the Universe! There is so much more than what that little mind every dreamed was possible for her....for me! And today, I'm living it. Living one day at a time in the freedom that was bought for me! }I wrote this post in December of 2016 and you'll see why this is the pic I chose as you read it:)OBEDIENCE.At the first hearing of the word, does it feel negative to you? It kinda does to me. For some reason, my first response is a bit of a cringe. You know, the kind that makes you clench your teeth and crinkle your nose. The kind that says, “Oh no, I am going to have to give up something that I like.” Is that what it feels like to you?I wish we were sitting in my living room, with a fire in the fireplace and coffee in our hands so I could chat with you about it. Hear your stories and thoughts around obedience. But since that’s not the case, I will just tell you mine.Earlier this week I was at small group and we had separated into groups of only men and only women, to check in with each other and pray for one another. As I was listening to each person share, I was thinking about whether there would be time for me to share, secretly hoping there wouldn’t be. Not because I didn’t want to per se, but because I wasn’t sure I could put into words all that was happening inside of me. But, in true “God form” there was plenty of time. Our conversation went around the circle and now it was my turn. I was following 4 women, three of them giving praise to God’s faithfulness. Sharing how they were in new places with Him and we celebrated together all that He had done and was doing. As each one was sharing I knew God was inviting me to give a little more of myself. To trust Him and take a risk. When the last person shared and it was my turn, after lots of thought, it was time to decide, would I be honest and let them into how I was really doing or would I give a sanitized version of what had been happening in me? This time I decided to go for it.Obedience.I opened up and gave them a peek into my internal world. I shared my sadness, hopelessness and despair. Told of how hard things had been for me the days leading up to then, as well as how counseling had gone for me just a few hours earlier that day. How I honestly would rather have stayed home and stayed isolated rather than come and spend time with them. And you know what happened? They listened with compassion. They cried tears that I couldn't cry. And they prayed. They said things to Jesus for me that I can’t always ask for myself. I don’t know why that is, but sometimes I just feel like I am too needy and He is going to get tired of me asking for the same thing I’ve been asking for the last 10 years. So they did it for me. They did it with a longing that I didn't even have for myself that night. In my hopelessness, they had hope. In my despair, they had longing for more for me. And I just got to receive. To be the recipient of their kind words and their deep prayers, believing God for things I had lost hope in.I’ve shared with you before that I have been on a quest towards healing with God. Maybe some of you can relate. A journey back into hard, confining places, so that I can get strength to move forward into new, spacious places. Grabbing hold of His strength, rather than my own feeble attempts at trying harder.And every single step of the way has felt like obedience.Trusting as I try new things. Stepping into uncharted territory for the ‘little girl me’ who has lived bound by fear and shame and lies for so much of her life. I wonder why it works that way? Why do we carry the shame of what should be carried by those who have hurt us. I can’t say why, but that just seems to be the way it works. Somehow, in the process we make this exchange with the one doing the harm and they leave us with the shame that is really theirs to keep. They take our innocence and replace it with their shame. Sigh…But back to obedience.Somewhere along the way, during that hard week that I was sharing about with my group, God had brought to mind the story of Abraham. You know, the one where God asks him to take his son to the top of the mountain to offer him as a burnt offering. Did I mention it was his only son?! Sound like any other story you’ve heard? (For those of you who don’t know the story I’m referring to, I would love to have coffee with you and share it. It’s the greatest story ever!) Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. So, as I was thinking about Abraham’s journey of obedience up the mountain, to do the unthinkable, the Spirit of God showed me that every single step up that mountain, as Abraham was moving through the hardest thing in his life, was God’s gift to him. Really?!! A gift?!! Yes. God was giving him an opportunity with every stride, to go deeper in his trust with HIM. One step at a time, with his heart pounding with fear and probably sadness, that same heart was beating in step with the Father he knew could only do good.Obedience.Just as God invited Abraham into a journey of faith, so He does with us. And for me, the picture that comes to mind, as I take risky steps, is the ‘little girl me’ I spoke of earlier. The one with disheveled blond hair, slightly crooked bangs and dirt under her fingernails grabbing the hand of this Father of hers, that she has come to know and is willing to let Him lead her into new territory. What I don’t picture is “grown up Kari”. The today Kari that has walked with Jesus for the last 28 years of her life. The woman who has studied His word regularly, talked with Him daily and occasionally had the privilege of leading others to Him. No, the ‘adult me’ has gone somewhere else. The woman with God confidence has disappeared and it’s just little, dirty, stinky Kari shaking in her boots. Believing those she loves, along with her older self, that has assured her it’s worth it. He’s safe they say. He won’t hurt you, He actually has plans to prosper you, to bring you good and not harm. That little hand of mine, barely holding on to the hand that holds the whole world. That’s the obedience I’ve stepped into for the last 7 years. And that’s what I did that Monday night. Right in the middle of my dear friend’s living room, there I was, 4 years old, taking a huge risk. Stepping into the thing He’s asking of me that feels like it could cost me everything.And you know what I am finding to be true? When He calls me to new places, He goes with me. Just like He did with Abraham as he took one step at a time up that mountain. Abraham didn’t go alone, and neither do I. And neither do you. Just as God was deepening his faith, He’s deepening yours and mine along the way. Even to the very last second, like the one where Abe’s holding the knife, ready to do the hardest thing of his life, Jesus is right there. Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides. Calling out to Him, rescuing him, making a way, where it seemed there was none.So today, as I sit here, I am grateful to God for His Word that tells a bigger story. And I’m grateful for His Spirit who lives in me. The One who reminds me that He’s not asking me to do anything that He hasn’t already, done Himself. Jesus’ own willingness to trust the Father with His own life, as He climbed that mountain to the cross, where He would give His life for mine. This is where I find my courage. I’m ready for the day that I look down at my hand in His and see that my hand is no longer the tiny 4 year old me, but the grown up me, walking with my Abba. Until then, I plan to take one tiny step of courage each time He asks me to, believing Him for what He’s already accomplished and that He is who He says He is. My good, good Father.Deuteronomy 31:6 The Message Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.