stepping into new places

This is Sherry and I, my dear friend, mentor, coach, shopping, eating, laying in the sun partner and ‘other mother’. You will definitely be hearing more about her as time goes on because her role in my life has been so deeply significant. And, isn't she just adorable??!

 Before I began this blogging journey, she thought it would be a good idea for me to get a few written ahead of time, so that I wouldn’t feel the pressure to get one done every week or so immediately after launching. My emotional state was, at times, still pretty fragile at this point, as I was still in the thick of the healing journey. I thought there was wisdom in her advice so that’s what I did. I wrote the first one and then every few weeks or so I would write another one. So now I have this back stock of posts that I had initially planned to be my first few posts. But, little did I know that God had deep healing in store for me before I would even launch the thing! I’m not complaining at all! Really, I’m not. But as I look back on them I feel like they give some good insight into where I was before and I’m having a hard time tossing them out. When I read them now they transport me back to what it was like for me to live in that place. The tension of wanting healing and living towards it, while feeling pretty hopeless so much of the time.So, with that, here’s the one I planned to start with. I think it will give you insight into how this journey began for me. It was written in April of 2016.

Well, here goes!  I’ve thought about it, talked about it, prayed about it and tried to talk myself out of it, but here I am finally doing it.  I’m starting a blog. For reals. But you know that, because here you are reading it, right?!:) I feel like I need to make a confession, I don’t even read blogs. I mean, the occasional blog that someone refers to or an article that I see that grabs me and takes me to one is about the extent of my blogging experience. And because that is my relationship with blogs, I totally get it if that’s yours too. Maybe you’re here for one of the same reasons that I have occasionally found myself reading one.   Honestly, that’s totally ok with me because I’m not doing this for anyone else.  I know that sounds kinda crazy because aren’t blogs suppose to be for others to read? A place to give people a glimpse into your life, to give some kind of advice, or thoughts on a particular subject or share you or your family’s experiences, or pictures of food you made with instructions on how, ‘you too can replicate this dish’. I guess there are all sorts of reasons for them, but mine’s a little different.For me, it feels like obedience.It comes out of a LONG season of walking through deep, dark places in my heart that had been kept hidden for years. Not hidden, as if I was being insincere or fake, but more like hiding. Crippled by fear. Hiding feels like it will somehow keep you safe.  Protect you. But that’s a big lie, because hiding isn’t safe. It holds you captive, powerless in the shadow of fear and keeps you alone. So, how can blogging be an obedience, you ask?   Well, as I am making this pilgrimage out of hiding, there have been things, so many things, God has asked of me along the way. Hard things, things that felt so scary to me. To someone else, they may not have felt like a big deal, but to me it often felt like it took every ounce of courage I had.  (I’ll tell you more about what some of those things were, but only if you come back:) But, here’s the great thing, every single time He would remind me, “Kari, you can do this. And, you won’t have to do it alone.  I’ll be with you every step of the way.” So, that’s what I would do, obey. Shaking in my boots (or flipflops, depending on the season), I would ask some of my closest peeps to pray and then I would step out and do the next thing, trusting that this obedience would move me closer to the freedom He was wooing me towards. And guess what?!! It would. Every time I obeyed, I took another step in what Eugene Peterson refers to as, ‘A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.’So, that’s what this blog is to me.  It’s the next step of obedience.About 6 months ago I felt like I kept hearing God say to me, “Kari, I want you to write. Tell of our journey together.  Share your story.”  Not an audible voice, but somewhere deep inside of me. To which I repeatedly reminded Him, “God, I am a READER, not a WRITER”.  There’s a big difference!Remember the story in the Bible where God tells Moses that he is going to send him back to Egypt to set His people free and Moses continues the discussion by telling God about all of his shortcomings. “Who am I to bring the people out? What if they don’t listen to me?”As if God didn’t know!I think it’s so funny how every time I have read that story I can see so clearly how ridiculous Moses is being.  I mean, hello Moses, you’re having a conversation with a burning bush!!  Doesn’t that seem a little unusual to you? Maybe even supernatural?!?  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been on a walk and had God speak to me through a burning bush.  AND, you’re talking to GOD! You know, the One who created all things.  The One who holds all things together. But remember what God finally says to Moses? He reminds him who made his mouth. Reminds him who is in charge of mankind’s senses, his hearing, his speaking, his seeing.He’s giving Moses the chance to take his eyes off of his inadequacies and lean on God, the Creator of all things, for His power to be made perfect in his weakness.Now, I am not at all comparing my assignment to write, to that of Moses’ assignment to deliver an entire nation! But, I have in one way or another been back at that story SO many times over the last 6 months or so and continue to be reminded that the One who calls, also equips. And, I’m reminded that every other time I have trusted Him and taken that step of obedience, not only did I not die, but it really was as He said it would be. Parts of me coming alive. Parts that have been frozen, held captive for most of my life. Call me greedy, but I want more. More freedom. More Jesus. More of me, the real me, brought back to life. More living. Not just survival but abundant life. The kind He died to make possible for me.So there you have it. My very first blog post. I may or may not have piqued your interest, but either way, you’ve just joined me on the next step of my journey. Feet shaking, hands trembling and eyes focused on the Author and Finisher of our faith.If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others. -Brennan Manning