I've always hated my birthday.....BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!
Today is May 1st, the beginning of my birthday month, and for as far back as I can remember, this is the first time that I feel genuinely excited about it! What’s interesting is that I don’t have anything planned to celebrate yet. My joy and eager anticipation come not because of amazing plans, but because…I am a different woman this year!This heart of mine has experienced a complete renovation! Like all renovations, mine didn’t happen overnight and it was far more costly than I had anticipated. But, just like we see on all those fun HGTV shows, the outcome of a great renovation always far exceeds the pain of the process.There’s something wonderful about taking in the beauty of transformation.This renovation of my heart and mind required that I go back to the experiences that had impaired my vision of who I was. Returning to the inception, where all kinds of painful experiences had taken up residence in the core of me. They hadn’t simply ‘happened’, but they had created a false identity that left me with marks of fear and shame - chasms in my heart that felt painful and lonely. The One who had created my heart had not abandoned me, but life on this fractured planet had placed me in a home that didn’t have key components that my heart needed for its early shaping. The result birthed a deep loneliness in me that would not easily be eradicated.This 10 year journey, though painful and costly, was also seasoned with Divine Hope. It not only cost me financially, but I also had to give up some of the very things that felt like they were keeping me safe. The things I had to let go of weren’t physical, of course. I’m still married to the same wonderful man that God gave me nearly 28 years ago…
I am still a momma to 4 of the greatest kids on the planet…
and all of my precious friendships remain intact. The things that had to go, were not relationships, but…silent coping skills…mechanisms put in place a very long time ago. Protective shields that worked when I needed them, but only did me harm and kept me isolated internally, once the danger was gone. But, here’s the thing, we won’t give up and let go of the things that feel safe and protective for us til we believe there is something better to grab hold of. And it takes time to believe for something better when you’ve been plagued with hopelessness for the better part of your life.Hope isn’t fruitful when it only lives in our minds— it must make the journey down to take up residence in our hearts.This undertaking created a pathway for hope to make the 12 inch trek from my head to my heart. And the dark pilgrimage I was embarking on would require companionship. It was time to look ‘loneliness’, who had been my ever-present friend, in the face and ask him to leave. Connectedness and vulnerability would be my new companions. And of all the risky things I had done in my life, this by far, was the biggest risk I had ever taken. Letting others in my painful places would require faith, every step of the way. And, praise be to God, He surrounded me with exactly who I needed to help facilitate the perfect traveling conditions. Safe, traveling companions who would wait with me when I got tired, pick me up when I fell and encourage me when the road felt like it would never end.Healing cannot take place in isolation. Our very design reflects that of our Creator, who also lives in the company of others.So, thank you for keeping company with me. Thank you if you have been a companion on this journey of mine. Thank you if you are reading this first bit of my unfolding story, even if we've never met. Thank you if you listened to my heart about not living in isolation and considered taking a risk today by inviting someone into your own story.AND, thanks be to God who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ!Let’s link arms and do this thing called life in the company of one another!