February, Freedom Month! Wait, what does that even mean?

Some of you may be new to this space with me and a little confused when you hear me talk about February being freedom month for me. What does that even mean??….

First of all…WELCOME—- And thank you for joining me here in this space! Because February is my “Freedom marker month, and I talk about it so much, I thought I’d take the opportunity for the blog this month to break it down for ya:) 

When I refer to my ‘freedom day’, it’s basically the day that there was a Cosmic collision of my efforts and God’s grace, that turned out to be a miraculous work in my brain, and my soul. 

Here’s what I mean…

I experienced childhood trauma that left me plagued with depression, a bit of anxiety at times, and a regular dose of suicide ideation. And when I finally began to let others into the real condition of my heart and mind, after feeling so much like, “what’s wrong with me?”, I began a healing journey that took the better part of 12 years. About 4 years into having shared what was really happening in me, with a couple of people close to me, I started going to therapy regularly (twice a week), and I was sure that I was on the fast track to feeling better and experiencing life in a new way.

 Little did I know this next phase of my healing would take 8 more years!

Dallas Willard says, “Grace is not opposed to effort, it’s opposed to earning. Earning is an attitude. Effort is an action.”

[Translation: We don’t have to prove ourselves to experience God’s love,  we are already loved deeply when we are in relationship with Jesus, but He allows us and is delighted in our participation in His purposes].

I can totally attest to this!

 I’ve said it before that—-if God had not allowed me the opportunity to partner with Him in this process of transformation (living vulnerably with God and others and regular counseling), there are things about Him and myself and others that I simply would not have the joy of understanding and loving more deeply.

 There are things about my little girl self that I needed to look at and fall in love with. Parts of me that had been abandoned, unseen and even harmed that I had to step into ‘with her’, and let her be seen by me—-with Jesus. If you have never done any soul work, this sounds really weird, but if you have, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

This showing up, time and time and time again, in honesty, vulnerability and sincerity with my most real self, over and over again with my counselor, Dr. D, my people and the Great Physician Himself, was the “effort” that Dallas speaks of. My willingness to sacrifice, was an invitation that the One who sacrificed it all for me, gave me—-a chance to be like HIM. This was the privilege of stepping into these parts of me, in a new way through vulnerability, that would not only end up mending my heart, but also giving me the joy and benefit of expanding my capacity to give and receive love in new ways.

But, awesome as that sounds on this side of the miracle, it was hard work. 

So hard. 

I recently saw this picture, drawn by Scott Erickson (@scottthepainter on Instagram), and I almost cried when I saw it.

I can remember saying countless times, “Not only is this such an excruciating process to go through, but it’s also super hard because as far as anyone can tell I am fine on the outside.” (Partly because of my own superior survival mechanisms) 

All that to say, when you have brain malfunctions, sometimes the rest of the world has a hard time having compassion, unless you’ve been hospitalized, and even then, I think there can be judgment that may sit right there with it. We’re often so quick to criticize anyone who is different than us. Our natural default often says, “At least I’m not like them.”….we’ve all got a little, or maybe not so little, Pharisee in our own hearts, rather than agreeing that we all need The Great Physician for one thing or another.

Simply put, this is one of those journeys that is costly and courageous all at the same time! A constant commingling of joy and grief. And its the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done in my life! (And I’ve birthed three babies)

As this process passed the one year mark and I still felt broken, I thought, ‘Maybe just one more year, then I’ll be better.’ But when I got to year 3, then 5, then 7 there were certainly times that I felt like I was losing hope, wondering if I would ever be “better”. This is where having people who are committed to the process with you is vital! 

Those closest who can point to places where you are different than you used to be. My inner circle of people would share places where they had noticed that parts of me that were freer than they’d been before. Places where there was ‘more’ of me, that are hard to see for yourself, but having others in it with you allows them to cheer you on and point out to you places of your process that are moving—-sometimes slowly, but still in motion, nonetheless.

This kind of soul work was not only time intensive and costly financially, but it wasn’t just the counseling days and bills that added up because you don’t just go to counseling, leave and not think about it again til the next appointment. It’s more like opening a can of worms and then spending the next few days trying to get the darn things all back in there and contained.

 It requires much of us.

But even as I grew tired and sometimes hopeless for a miracle, wondering if this thing was ever going to do the re-wiring my brain needed, I would often have this thought, “What if I’m one visit short of a miracle? What if today is the day that something in me will shift to a new space, a freer space——-a spacious place?”

So, I would keep showing up.

Rather than throw in the towel because my expectations hadn’t yet been met, I would cling to the hope of others and let their belief that my journey wasn’t over yet fuel my weary self, all the while believing this would be not only amazing for me, if there were to be a shift, but it would impact all of my relationships in new ways as well.

 And boy has it ever!

You know, we often think we’re just too tired to go any further, but that’s where the gold is, right? When the road behind will no longer satisfy, we’re compelled to keep going, one step at a time because the old way no longer works. It’s not shaped for who we’re becoming. 

Yes it’s tiresome.

Yes it’s tedious.

And yes it felt treacherous at times.

But it was ABSOLUTELY, 100%  WORTH IT!

And, not just for the freedom that would become mine, but because I was actually becoming someone new, someone who realized all the way to my core that I matter and who would be filled with a desire for others to know this freedom that I’d experienced.  

I was learning new rhythms of grace that I didn’t understand or know existed, and I was being gently formed by Grace Himself in each of these spaces. Learning to see myself in light of His mercy and grace and truth and allowing it to shape me, piece by piece, not just in my mind, but in all the parts of me. And a burning desire was being fueled in me to breathe this hope into others. To let God take my long, arduous journey into a space where others could enter in and possibly begin to feel that there was hope for theirs.

All of that to say that when I say that February is Freedom Month for me….that’s why.

My deepest desire is that in some way my story might be a lifeline for others who feel hopeless and if you’re story doesn’t feel quite as heavy as mine, then hopefully my life will simply feel like a breath of fresh air and a place to come and find rest for your soul.

I’ll never stop sharing the faithfulness of Jesus and hopefully imparting some measure of courage to you, as you look at your own life and choose to take the next step, whatever that is for you. So thanks for showing up with me and for sharing the places where you’re hanging on to hope. It’s my joy and privilege to walk this journey with you!

Grace and Peace.