Jesus' I AM & Peter's I am not

During our last time together, I referred to the study I had just finished where we went through the I AM’s of Jesus. Titles that inform us of who God is and what He is like. Identity statements, if you will. In John chapter 17, as they are finishing up the Last Supper together, Jesus turns from instructing and informing his disciples to lifting up his eyes to heaven to speak to his Father about all that he has done and all that they will accomplish in this final leg of his earthly journey.This is called the High Priestly Prayer.This passage of Scripture is such a beautiful glimpse into Jesus relationship with the Father. The disciples had known of all the times that Jesus had disappeared from the crowds to be alone with his Father, but this time he’s letting them into the intimate space of communion with Him. In oder to hear his heart, as well as give them a picture of what it would mean to live in relationship with the God who inhabits the ‘heavenlies’. In this sacred space, he declares his obedience to all the father has asked of him, as well as his requests for their understanding of what it would mean to be one with Them, participants of his divine love. His longing for them to take the mantle of being the hands and feet of the One who had become their friend as well as his prayer for their protection from the evil one.After this intimate prayer, they all head out to the garden where they are met by the betrayer and the soldiers who had won his allegiance. This encounter is heart breaking, and at the same time, it gives us just a glimpse of the power of his tongue. As they ask for Jesus of Nazareth and he tells them, “I am he”, by the word of his mouth the soldiers can no longer stay on their feet. The declaration of his personhood, literally blows them over.I AM. Yahweh. Words that would not/could not be uttered aloud by anyone other than the One in whom they defined. Declarative words. Holy words. Powerful words.Just as soon as they left his tongue, the soldiers, whom had evil plans to carry out were knocked over. Oh how I wish I could have seen that! What surprises me most about this part of the story is that it didn’t give them pause for the plans they were so determined to bring about. Isn’t that often how it is for us too though. We step into the river, if you will, of our own plans and even when the breath of God gives us cause for pause, we/I often just get back up and set my course on the path of what I want.And as soon as they get back on their feet, Peter steps in for Jesus by cutting off one of their ears. This has always seemed odd to me. I mean, his ear??? Wouldn’t that have been kinda hard to do? I think had it been me, I might have gone for a hand or something bigger than an ear. Peter’s sword skills, clearly are better than mine! (I might add Luke tells us in his gospel that Jesus healed the soldier’s ear right then and there:)I digressed…The point of the matter is that Peter was missing the point. He still did not understand, even after a front row seat in the conversation between Jesus and the Father, that Jesus was on a mission and nothing Peter could do, or wanted to do could stop it.Thank you Jesus for that!!!—that our attempts to play God can’t stop you.The thing that captures my attention afresh about this part of the story is how quickly Peter goes from defending his Lord, to denying he is one of his own. This burly fisherman was not exempt from the fear that the enemy uses to cripple us from our passion. In just a few short sentences and what probably consisted of a short walk, he went from protector of the Christ, even to the point of cutting off another’s ear, to shrinking back in fear of what others might think of him.What happened in that short span of time?I think I know because I too have found myself, like Peter, a slave to fear. No longer believing the truth about a situation, and instead shackled by ‘what if’s’.What if they don’t like me. What if this situation doesn’t work out the way I want it to? What if….I think we can all agree that living in fear is not only, not freedom, but that it’s crippling. It inhibits us from the human experience and the abundant life that Christ’s mission accomplished on our behalf. Although I personally, am no longer a ‘slave’ to fear, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t occasionally make its way into my head at times. But the thing that has changed for me is that my ‘fear alarm’ is far more easily recognizable now. I am able to identify, much more quickly, when there has been a shift in the way I am thinking and behaving and I can hit pause. When I am alerted to this there are a few questions I have learned to ask myself.What is this feeling I’m experiencing?  For me it usually sits deep in the pit of my stomach.One of the gifts that my earthly father gave me was restless legs syndrome. It’s terrible and I usually only experience it if I have been awake too long or on my feet for an extended amount of time. Although sometimes it makes its appearance when I’m stressed or worried about something. This feeling in the pit of my stomach that happens when fear gets triggered in me feels very similar to restless legs, that have made their home in my stomach. Identifying the feeling helps me to begin to ask myself some follow-up questions. Questions like….What are you afraid of?Is this a valid fear or is it one that needs to be given over to the only One who can do something about it?Sometimes my answer is valid, but even if it is a possibility that it might happen, there’s often nothing I can do about it. This is where I have learned, because I’ve had lots of practice, to either talk it through with my safe people or lay it before God and ask Him to help me release it. I often end up doing both. Because I’m a verbal processor, talking it through with those who are on my team is often a helpful practice.Fear ignites all kinds of responses, but in its most basic form, most of us either react outwardly or retreat inwardly, only ocassionally do we do both. I think in the case of what happened in the garden with Peter and the guards, as well as just a short bit later with the people asking if he was “one of them” were both responses to fear. Peter starts with a passionate pursuit to protect his Lord and follows up it up with a strong desire to protect himself.Fear has a way of bringing out the fickle in it’s victims.Don’t get me wrong though, there is a fear that is good and healthy. You know, the kind that tells us not to get too close to the edge of the cliff, or to not pursue that person you used to date in high school on social media. (But seriously if you are doing this or have done this and you are married, STOP IT!!!! Nothing good will come from that and the fear or apprehension you might be feeling about being caught, is good fear…..listen to it. Pursuing this is basically just like stepping too close to the cliff, the ground under you will break and you will fall.)…back to the storyJesus’ response to Peter’s fear reactions is so good! I mean, of course it is, He’s perfect, right?! Essentially he reminds Peter that although this seems like a super big deal in your world, I am doing something bigger. There is a bigger story playing out right now and I must carry it out to its completion. It’s the very reason that I’m here.Jesus is always inviting us to look at the big picture of His story, rather than the small picture we can only see with our natural eyes.Because we live on this side of the cross, we have the privilege of viewing this story from the four different gospel accounts. When we look at Matthew’s account, he tells us that Jesus warned Peter of his betrayal and gave him a physical sign to let him know this was happening. “Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.”  And Peter essentially says, "I’d die before I'd do that!" But as we know, Peter did as Jesus said he would. He responds to their questions of his being a part of Jesus followers with a resounding, “I am not”. But we would miss so much if we stopped there. After Peter’s final denial (don’t you just cringe with each one?!!), he hears the rooster crow and remembers what Jesus had said was going to happen.And then he went out and wept bitterly.Peter did everything big. This weeping was not just a quiet, personal grief expressed. The greek definition for this word paints a picture of a man who is expressing uncontainable audible grief. Peter was completely undone. This experience for him was not only a painful remorse, but God used it to enlarge his capacity of belief in the One for whom he had denied following. As we will see later, God will use this very thing that felt like failure to Peter, to commission him as one that He would use to build his kingdom on earth.I love this story so much because it is once again an opportunity for us to see that our failures aren’t dead ends. And our response to them is vitally important. They are on-ramps to glory, if we will bring them to our Maker and allow Him to transform them and make them into something beautiful. Something He can even use to point others to Himself. Just like Jesus knew Peter would react and retreat out of fear and unbelief, he’s not surprised by our failures either. And as I ponder these things over the days leading to our celebration of Easter, I find myself once again in awe-struck wonder of the One who calls me his own.You’re a Good Good Father, it’s who You are.And I’m loved by You, it’s who I am.