shedding my 'false self' skin

Have you ever had an amazing experience, and then later gone back to how you experienced it and been blown away afresh, but in a different way?Well, that just happened to me this week! A friend and I were talking about the book, “Changes That Heal” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.[I’ve shared before how this book was instrumental in moving me towards a healing process that would take the better part of 7 years.]​

​My friend was sharing that she had just started reading it and referenced something about it that I hadn’t remembered, so I pulled it back off my shelf to check it out. As I scanned through what she was talking about I noticed again, how little I had marked it up when I read it the first time. This made me want to revisit what it was about it that made me feel so hesitant to make any markings. So I began to read again, and WOW has it been a fascinating experience!Part 1 of the book includes the 3 ingredients of growth…Grace, Truth and Time. As I read the first two chapters, I was undone with how God used these concepts to walk me through the most intense years of my healing journey. I call them “the most intense years” because let’s be honest, we will continue this healing road for the rest of our lives, but I am just finishing up this focused season where most of my resources, (time, money and commitment) were being spent.The first chapter expands on grace and truth. They begin with the definition of grace, which means the unmerited favor of God towards people, and go on to say, grace is something we can’t earn and we don’t deserve.  Frederick Buechner says, “Grace is something you can never get but can only be given. There is no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.” (page 18) The authors also add, grace is unbroken, uninterrupted, unearned, accepting relationship. Grace then is the relational aspect of God’s character.Isn’t that so good?!?!?!Then they explain that truth is what is real; it describes things how they really are. Just as grace is the relational aspect of God’s character, truth is the structural aspect of his character. Truth is the skeleton life hangs upon; it adds shape to everything in the universe. Truth without grace is deadly, but grace without truth leads to unsuccessful living as well. (pages 22-23)Ok, so now that you've got some context, a big piece my story involves the absence of one of our basic human needs, bonding. (which interestingly enough, this book also goes on to address later:) And these first two chapters of grace and truth were vital to my healing journey.Let me give you little backstory…When I was 6 weeks old my mom was in a major car accident that left her hospitalized and separated us for the better part of 2 months. Unfortunately this is the time developmentally where major bonding would naturally take place.  Because of the accident, I didn’t get enough time with her to story up memories of being comforted by her which would have given me the sense of security that would take place under normal circumstances. As you can see, this wasn’t her fault, just a super unfortunate situation. Sadly, this not only robbed me of the bonding experience with her but it robbed her as well. My mom would tell you now that she knew instantly when she did get to see me, that there was not the same connection between us that she had experienced with my other 3 siblings. When she finally got to come home, there were multiple family members and friends who continued to come and help her manage life with 4 kids as she continued her recovery. This was great for the logistics of our family but didn’t necessarily meet the needs that my heart had as a young babe. In addition to that, my dad only wanted 2 kids and I was #4, so he wasn’t really excited about the idea of caring for another infant anyway.Rather than facilitate growth, these unfortunate circumstances inhibited growth in the deepest places of how I was being formed from my earliest beginnings, and the manner in which it played out in me deeply affected the way I related to myself and others. My lack of early attachment left me with a few major components that shaped me as I grew and developed from early childhood deep into my adulthood.*I suffered from depression, so much so that I felt like it was my identity. That somehow there was something deeply wrong with me and that it wasn’t just something I suffered from, but the core of who I was. The message I told myself was: “I am just a sad/depressed person.”*I struggled daily with deep feelings of meaninglessness, which kept me trapped every day.The message I told myself was:  “life would be better if I didn’t exist .”I was marked with sadness, emptiness and fear. Fear that if anyone knew the real me, they surely wouldn’t stay in relationship with me. It’s as if it was knit into the very fiber of my being. It held me captive to the abundant, free, life that relationships are meant to bring. And without knowing it cognitively, I had become a champion builder. Subconsciously building an impenetrable wall of defenses that kept others from fully knowing me and kept me trapped and alone.I think it's important to mention that I was in a growing relationship with Jesus when this journey began. I had been saved and was walking with God and others, while experiencing this deep aloneness and pain. Unfortunately, there were parts of me that I thought I had to keep hidden from God and others because it seemed to me that His grace hadn't worked fully on me and surely it had to be my fault.THIS, FRIENDS, IS A LIE!!If what He has said about himself is true, it is fully true, not in part. He has said and demonstrated that His grace is perfect and fully sufficient for all of our needs. It's the process of allowing Him in on all of ourselves that helps us to take in the full expression of His grace for us.  Also, there is nothing hidden from His sight even when we are trying to make it so. It reminds me of when my kids were little and they would put their hands over their face, thinking I couldn't see them. It's absurd to think that I could keep anything hidden from the One who created everything. And, actually I think it is an indicator of just how young and undeveloped that part of me was. God is Light and in Him there is no darkness. So even the things that I was trying to keep in the dark, much like my kids failed attempts at hiding, were always seen by Him, with gentleness, longing and the patience that I would trust Him with them.

My first time through this book, as I came upon a sentence near the end of the grace and truth chapter, I remember feeling like the authors had been secretly watching my life. Have you ever felt that way?‘As long as the lying, false self is the one relating to God, others and ourselves, then grace and truth cannot heal us. The false self tries to “heal” us by it’s own methods; it always finds solutions, and the real self that God created to grow into his likeness stays hidden and unexposed to grace and truth.’As I read this the first time, I felt SUPER vulnerable! Even sharing it now, my heart is racing a little….muscle memory I guess. Knowing that my own methods had not helped me, along with this terribly vulnerable feeling, I felt a longing to continue reading because I knew that if they wrote a book about this, it meant there are others who are living in the same trapped place that I lived and I wanted to find out more. So that’s what I did. I read this book and so many others, looking for the help I needed. And I found that Henry and John were right all along! The 3 components necessary for healing are grace, truth and time AND they cannot be found simply by reading books. Taking in information alone will not heal us. Our God who lives in relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, also created us for relationship and longs for us to take advantage of the "each otherness" that he offers. These ingredients only come alive in us as we live them out with safe people.Scary?…yes!Lots of vulnerability?…yes!Hours and hours of relationship?…yes!Worth it?...ABSOLUTELY YES!!!Now that I am less inclined to try to hide parts of myself from Jesus and there are a handful of people who know way more about me than I ever thought I would share with anyone, my life is richer and freer than I ever dreamed possible!