set back, not 'stuck back'

​When I posted my first blogpost I was so excited about what the month of May was going to look like. I was approaching my birthday month with such joy and eager anticipation in light of the changes that have taken place in me.  This deep soul work that God had used to set my heart free was like a balloon that had been released from the hand that had kept it attached to the earth.  It was beckoning release and I was eager to watch and see how it would soar in this first free birthday month of mine!Unfortunately, just 4 days after I shared this, I came down with a sickness that would lay me out for the better part of 2 weeks! Not only did I feel worse than I have ever felt in my life, physically, but I was so worried that I might give it to anyone who came into contact with me so I stayed quarantined in my home for the entirety of the sickness. (Except, of course, from my wonderful hubby:)Over the course of my 7 years of counseling, Dr D would often remind me that sickness can feel like setback. When our bodies are weak, it is totally normal for our hearts and minds to have the same kind of glitch in what their normal function is like. Because he had reminded me time and again about that, I kept telling myself that it would probably be the case for me during this illness. But honestly, I didn’t really feel like I had enough capacity to think about how I was feeling in my mind because my body felt so terrible. It wasn’t until I began to get better and had some space from the pain and illness that I realized that my heart was experiencing some sickness too.There really are various ways that we cope with pain and trauma. And because we are all so distinctly unique, even if we use the same coping mechanisms they can each take on their own ‘flare’, so to speak. For me, one of my chosen coping mechanisms has always been isolation. Fear is often the catalyst that propels us into isolation and most of my early life was marked by deep fear.  With years of practice, isolation just felt safe.But our feelings can totally deceive us!!!!Just because something feels safe and good doesn’t mean it is. I mean we don’t have to look far to see that this is true. Think of the times when we have spent too much money in that moment that feels like, ‘I must have this!’, made that snarky remark to our loved one, or gone ahead and eaten that entire chocolate cake in one sitting, because it ‘felt’ good. Each of those has it’s own kind of sickness that follows.In the case of the month of May for me, sickness preceded isolation, which kept me in sickness. No longer sickness of body, but sickness of heart. But here’s the good news. The old decay that lived so deep in me is no longer there. So the isolation that I experienced this month, was not a forever sickness, just a setback of sorts. Even in the midst of it, I was being beckoned to re-engagement. Called into relationship with those who love me and out of isolation that ‘feels’ safe, but really hijacks me from what I was made for….MORE.Aren’t you so glad that setbacks are just that…setbacks. They’re not ‘stuckbacks'. They are not places that we live, but places that we visit. Short stays, not destinations to settle in and make our home.The good news is, this time my setback was shorter than usual. While I visited there, it felt so powerful and tried to trick me into thinking it was my reality. But it didn’t win. Even though I felt the effects of it, they aren’t who I am. Those old feelings of aloneness, fear and wanting to run returned, but they didn’t get the final say. They weren’t the only voice I listened to. There’s another voice now. A new voice that tells me that it’s ok to feel joy and sorrow at the same time. I don’t have to choose just one. I can rejoice that my God has set my heart free and at the same time experience normal human emotions like sadness and fear simultaneously.  And actually, it’s when we live here that we are most like Jesus.…looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross Heb 12:3Jesus hung on the tree that day, not full of joy because of his circumstances, but full of joy because He knew that his circumstances in that moment weren’t the whole story. For him, what He was experiencing that day, although horrific, would be the very thing that would bring life to me….to you. Life to any who would say, ‘yes please’ and ‘thank you’ to His life-giving offer. Joy in suffering. Joy in giving of Himself so that I could know what it means to be fully known and fully loved.This is what it means to live in the Kingdom now as we look toward the Kingdom that is to come.And the same thing is true for me and for you. The thing I am experiencing in this moment is not the whole story. It may feel like it's true right now, but not forever. That pain that feels like it will never go away, that sadness that feels like it’s who you really are, that relationship that feels like it will never be different will try to trick you into believing it’s all of your reality. But don’t believe it!There’s always more story to be written.Did you catch the first part of that verse? He is the author and perfecter of our faith. The one who writes the story. Just like I am the author of this blog and I determine where it will take us, so is He in our lives. And not only does he write our story, but He's perfect! He's perfecting our faith out of his own perfection.So, today, day 8 of my 48th year on this planet, I’ve left my May ‘setback’ and entered back into the broad open space. The space that the cross marked out for me that gives me room to breathe and to hope. And, here’s the thing, I didn’t will my way back here or work hard to make it happen. The only work I did was to stay present with my Jesus. I entered into the work of connectedness, the antithesis of the old rhythm of isolation. I didn’t try to hide from Him til I felt like I was ‘good enough’, cuz you know what, good dad's want to be with their kids when they're hurting.  Pain free does not make us 'good enough'. And...Good enough is never the goal!My true Father loves me right where I am and isn't disappointed that I've had a setback. He wants an invitation into it with me. And you know what, he doesn't even lead me to the free space because He IS the free space. His outstretched arms push out the walls I've built, making room for me to take in the wonder of what it means to be His.I’m learning that this is what living out of being loved by God looks like, messy humanity intertwined with perfect divinity.